I thank God I had an Abortion.

A woman wrote this: I read it and felt I must respond. Here is what she said. 

I first suspected I was pregnant during my eight-hour flight back the States. While I was combing through photos from my enchanting week abroad, the possibility crossed my mind. ‘No,’ I remember laughing to myself, ‘That doesn’t happen to girls like me.’ After all, I’m a typical 22-year-old American girl who follows the rules, tries to do good deeds, and listens to country music like it’s going out of style. Apparently that doesn’t stop one from getting knocked up.

My period was a week late before I inconspicuously picked up a home pregnancy test from a Wal-Mart two towns over. The result was no surprise by that point, and my first instinct was to name my best friend ‘godmother.’ Throughout that afternoon and evening, the reality of having a child began to settle in, and suddenly the conversation shifted from baby names and nursery colors to ‘holy shit, what the fuck do I do?’

Facebook was my only means of communication with my foreign beau, so I hesitantly sent him a message with the news, expecting him to never respond again. Surprisingly, he was very concerned and thoughtful… At least at first. The more we talked about it, the more I realized that carrying the child to term was a reckless plan. I knew that I would have support from my friends and family, and I am financially very stable, however the idea of being a single mother quickly became daunting. My best friend confessed that, as a child of split parents, she would never forgive herself if she brought a child up in a broken home. My beau insisted that he refused to be a dead-beat father, and while there’s a solution to that, it just was not a feasible option; we’re citizens of two different countries, and neither of us are in professions in which relocation is a simple task. So even if one of us were to pick up and move to the other, would supporting a family on a single income be a responsible thing to do?

I spent a lot of time going back and forth with my decision. I read countless articles and blogs, and ultimately decided to terminate the pregnancy. Let me clarify that it was far from an easy decision. Even just a few weeks along, I felt an innate love for the child growing inside me.

I wondered what he or she might be like and how I would feel as a mother. I imagined playing dress-up and Hot Wheels, setting up lemonade stands on summer days, and experiencing things like Disney World for what would feel like the first time all over again.

When I parked in the shopping mall parking lot where Planned Parenthood was, we were both slow to get out. I made a bad joke and said if she was good then afterward we could go get ice cream, like she was a kid going to the doctor.

It all sounded wonderful and possible until I reminded myself I’m only 22. I’m supposed to be pushing the boundaries of selfishness. So when my beau encouraged me to write a list of all the things I want to do with my life, I realized that there is so incredibly much that I have to look forward to – without having a child. I want to be spontaneous, I want to travel, and I want to drink as much moscato as I damn well please.

My first stop was Planned Parenthood, which referred me to a local abortion clinic. My beau consistently checked on me throughout the days that followed, even when I knew it was difficult for him to message me while at work, and he was always ready to give me a pep talk before my appointments. The workers at the clinic were incredibly kind as well, but having to be ushered past the protesters outside the clinic was terrifying. It all was very surreal, and I was thankful for both my beau’s and best friend’s support.

On the day of my medical abortion, I felt oddly at ease. Swallowing the Mifeprex pill, or “the point of no return” as the nurse called it, I didn’t hesitate or second-guess myself. I didn’t even feel the need to look over the list my beau had helped me construct as motivation to terminate the pregnancy. I was confident in my decision. Seeing as I’m currently living at home, with my unknowing mother, I chose to check myself into a hotel room for that night, where I inserted the four Misoprostol tablets and waited for the pregnancy to pass.

I knew that my beau was on vacation that weekend, but he’d promised to keep in touch as best as he could. Even my lowest expectations were apparently too high, as I failed to hear from him more than once that entire night. While I was writhing on the bathroom floor in pain that made me want to die, I’d been abandoned. My best friend tried to comfort me as best as she could across the distance, but what really stung was going through with the abortion without my beau. My mind was a mess as it was, without adding to it words from a boy who swore he’d be there for me but wasn’t.

My boyfriend was a flirt, but could he actually be sleeping with someone else? And if so, why was I the only one who couldn’t see it?

The excruciating cramping eventually subsided as the dull, constant heartache settled in. I did not deeply mourn the loss of my child, for I am certain it was the best decision I could have possibly made. However, I did stupidly grieve the ending of a far-fetched relationship with my beau who, a few days later, explained that he was feeling overwhelmed and needed some space (as if 4,000 miles isn’t room enough).

As I’m beginning to move on, I’m starting to see life with wider eyes. Terminating my pregnancy has instilled in me a drive to do and see absolutely everything this great world has to offer. I’m booking flights to Europe, then South America, then maybe even Africa after that. Getting into shape has never been so appealing, and I’ve already got my “skinny outfits” picked out for when I get fit. I’m putting more effort into my friendships, and I’m relishing my freedom, which is something I’d always taken for granted before. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I’m bound to make plenty more, but taking my life back is not one of them. Some may say that God will punish me for terminating my pregnancy, but I say thank God I had an abortion.

My Response:

I was so touched by your “enchanted week abroad”! What a great time you must have had! Romance and sex with a foreign beau! The dream of many women!

I guess it is hard to understand your thoughts “Throughout that afternoon and evening, the reality of having a child began to settle in, and suddenly the conversation shifted from baby names and nursery colors to ‘holy shit, what the fuck do I do?” Didn’t you think about that before you spread your legs for this man? Do you do that that so easily? 

I started to be concerned when you said, “I realized that carrying the child to term was a reckless plan!” WOW…I would have thought that having sex whenever you felt like it would be reckless!

I guess I never understood where I was on your priority list! I thought your child would be number one, but you corrected that: “I knew that I would have support from my friends and family, and I am financially very stable… however the idea of being a single mother quickly became daunting.” Didn’t you consider that before you stripped and jumped in bed with your beau?

I guess not – your priorities were different: “My beau insisted that he refused to be a dead-beat father, and while there’s a solution to that, it just was not a feasible option” I am sorry I was NOT feasible!

Your emotional turmoil was impressive! “I spent a lot of time going back and forth with my decision. I read countless articles and blogs” Wow! You read blogs about whether you should end my life or not! Did you take time to check your heart?

“And ultimately decided to terminate the pregnancy.”  Terminate YOUR “pregnancy?”  What does that mean? Is pregnancy a disease?  Is it something like a boil? I thought it meant your going to have a baby! You don’t mean that you are going terminate your baby’s life?

Let me clarify that it was far from an easy decision. Even just a few weeks along, I felt an innate love for the child growing inside me. I wondered what he or she might be like and how I would feel as a mother. I imagined playing dress-up and Hot Wheels, setting up lemonade stands on summer days, and experiencing things like Disney World for what would feel like the first time all over again.”

It means so much to me that it was not an easy decision! You felt the child inside you growing inside…what happened…did you stop feeling that? You wondered what it would be like…what I would be like, if I would do dress ups or experience Disney World. Why didn’t you find out?

I guess it is because you had a reality check: “I’m only 22. I’m supposed to be pushing the boundaries of selfishness. So when my beau encouraged me to write a list of all the things I want to do with my life, I realized that there is so incredibly much that I have to look forward to – without having a child. I want to be spontaneous, I want to travel, and I want to drink as much moscato as I damn well please.” 

Now I understand, Everything is about you, not me. Even though you spread your legs for this stranger, it is not your responsibility so I must pay the price! 

I am sorry that you had to endure the terror of those terrible people that are in front of the abortion clinic, pleading with mothers not to end their baby’s life as you went into the clinic to end my life. “The workers at the clinic were incredibly kind as well, but having to be ushered past the protesters outside the clinic was terrifying.”

“On the day of my medical abortion, I felt oddly at ease.” I wish I had your ease. In your womb I felt complete ease, but when the poison entered my system I felt great fear!

I am sorry my dad was not involved in my death. “Even my lowest expectations were apparently too high, as I failed to hear from him more than once that entire night. While I was writhing on the bathroom floor in pain that made me want to die, I’d been abandoned.” How terrible! You were withering on the floor, and I was choking to death on the poison you took to kill me, and he was not even interested! You felt like you wanted to die, but I was dying!

“I did not deeply mourn the loss of my child, for I am certain it was the best decision I could have possibly made.”  No one mourned my death except God, because He made me. You were too wrapped up in you! Nothing mattered more than what you wanted for you.

“As I’m beginning to move on… I’m booking flights to Europe, then South America, then maybe even Africa after that. Getting into shape has never been so appealing, and I’ve already got my “skinny outfits” picked out for when I get fit. I’m putting more effort into my friendships, and I’m relishing my freedom, which is something I’d always taken for granted before.”

Moving on! How I wish I could have done that! Visiting all those places, fitting into skinny outfits! Friendships, and freedom! Wow, I would have loved that…but you did not give me that chance! You ended my life because nothing mattered more than your freedom and your desires. Maybe you ought to make sure you cannot have a “pregnancy” again before you spread your legs with another beau!

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I’m bound to make plenty more, but taking my life back is not one of them.” Yes, that is true…you took my life instead!

“Some may say that God will punish me for terminating my pregnancy, but I say thank God I had an abortion.” So sad that you don’t understand God at all! He is always willing to forgive anyone that is willing to stop being so arrogant and self-righteous about the wrong decisions they have made. If you understand your sin and confess it, He will forgive. BUT I do want you to know one thing. Jesus said that the children are His…that is true! I am with Him now. I agree with you, I am glad you had an abortion! To have a mother like you would be so horrible. You love yourself and are self-absorbed! Everything is about you, you have no room in your heart for a child, and it is not about being 22, it is about your heart, which is so twisted that you could kill your baby so you could travel. Thank you God that you spared me from such a selfish individual that just because she can spread her legs and get pregnant she thinks she can be a mother!  

Note from Nate: I wrote that piece as from the baby - not myself. I know it was rough...how rough is ending your child'e life because you want to enjoy yours. That should be thought through before you have sex with someone, not after. I do not know who this woman is and if I ever met her I would say nothing condemning, because I am not God. If she told me about her abortion I would express my sincere concern that she understands that God desires to forgive her and enter her life. If she asked if it were wrong to do, I would share that what matters is God's opinion given in Scripture, not mine. However, what is done is done, and what God desires most is to begin right where we are. I have prayed that this dear soul discover the Truth and experience true forgiveness and learn that all life is precious. I wrote the article from the point of view that if you can be so trivial about such a weighty matter to end a life, maybe if that baby could have communicated, he or she would challenge such behavior. If people were offended by the bluntness or even crassness of the blog, my question is how crass is destroying your own child for convenience sake?